I Answer All Your Questions

Hello!

Theories, explanations, and revelations swirl in the maelstrom that is the Internet! They confuse us – it is difficult to separate falsehoods from truth and reality! And this bubbling cauldron of toxic thought-swill contains problems that exist in addition to everyday thorny conundrums that have perplexed even philosophers and theologians for millennia, let alone the rest of us everyday knuckleheads.

     But relief is at hand. Today I am going to answer all these questions. Some are quite simply answered with facts, but others are difficult, defeating some of the greatest thinkers on the Internet. Nevertheless, I answer them here.

Part I (Second Installment Coming!)

Question: Was the American election stolen?      Answer: No. However, Trump and the national Republicans did everything in their power to do exactly that.

Question: Will Trump run in the 2024 election?      Answer: Maybe, if he is not in jail.

Question: I read on Facebook that the Clintons belong to a secret cabal of mainly Democrats and “Deep State” pedophiles who not only have sex with children in a pizza parlour basement in Chicago, but also eat them. Is that true?      Answer: No.

Question: As an avid reader of the Weekly World News in the nineties, before the Internet, I have always wondered: did Hillary Clinton really have a love child with Bat Boy?      Answer: No. Bill’s shenanigans kept her too busy to think of having an affair of her own.

Question: How about the Alien–      Answer: No.

Question: Did Jews, assisted by Democrats, aim lasers from outer space to start the California fires?      Answer: No.

Question: About Covid-19. Is it spread by 5G towers, the same way radar, even though it had not quite been invented yet, caused the 1918 flu pandemic?      Answer: No.

Question: Was it invented by Bill Ga–      Answer: No.

Question: Did the Chinese create Covid-19 in a laboratory?      Answer: No, probably not. It looks like Covid-19 was accidentally passed from animals, probably bats, to humans somewhere near or in Wuhan.

Question: Did people believe as many strange explanations during the Great Plagues and the 1918-1919 flu epidemic as they do now?      Answer: Yes, though it appears not quite as many that are as bizarre as those propagated on the Internet at present.

Question: Did that flu, the “Spanish Flu,” start in Spain?      Answer: No, it started in Haskell County in Kansas.

Question: Why was it called the “Spanish Flu,” then?      Answer: Prejudice. It is like the French, who in the old days, called syphilis “The English Disease.” The English called it “The French Disease.” In Zaire, in more modern times, H.I.V. was called “The American Disease.” Americans thought it came from Haitians.

Question: Are the Covid-19 vaccinations safe and effective?      Answer: Yes. With AstraZeneca and Johnson & Johnson, there is a one in a million chance of a blood clot. You are more than nine times more likely to get a blood clot from Covid-19. You should get vaccinated with whatever vaccine is available, if not for yourself, then for the rest of us.

Question: Do the various Covid vaccinations contain microchips that governments will use to control us?      Answer: No, although perhaps there are some people who would benefit from such a thing.

Question: Do vaccinations cause autism?      Answer: No. This idea came from a long-discredited study published in 1998 by Andrew Wakefield, who is not necessarily a quack, but is a fraudster. The finding has been determined to be an “elaborate fraud.” But unfortunately, the idea was picked up and propagated by famous people who should know better.

Question: What about all those other problems that vaccines cause such as auto-immune problems in children, along with all the money drug companies earn and a bunch of other bad stuff outlined on the Internet, etc.?      Answer: Vaccinations along with other public health actions are among the greatest contributors to human longevity and wellbeing that we have ever known. And they are remarkably safe.

Question: Given all the conspiracy theories and half-baked ideas floating around, are smart-phones and social media doing humanity any good?      Answer: Social media: some usefulness, but overall, no, not very good for the species. Seems to me it will be the final nail in the coffin of inner-directedness, making us entirely other-directed as David Reisman, the sociologist, predicted all the way back in 1950.[i] Although it is true that helps budding musicians build a reputation for themselves and make sales, as in Justin Bieber.

     The phones? Hard to say, although there is considerable comedic value in seeing all these people with their noses in their phones while walking, at concerts and sporting events, eating in restaurants, and riding around on tour buses. I feel sorry for the kids though, whose total reality is being mediated by social media and smart phones. I’m glad I grew up before these things happened. Seems like my young life was more interesting and more fun.

Question: But isn’t the immediate connection of human beings, that the phones offer, beneficial?      Answer: It is a bit of a stretch to call it an “immediate connection,” I think. As I consider this, I am reminded of the great Charles de Gaulle who, when he was asked why he did not answer the telephone, is reputed to have answered: “Because if I had wanted to talk to him, I would have called him up.” I like texting; however, I find I have a limit on how many I can tolerate in a single day.

Question: Okay. People question whether scientists and doctors can be trusted. Can we trust them?      Answer: Yes. Almost all of them, although not Andrew Wakefield, obviously.

Question: Can science itself be trusted?      Answer: Yes, with the recognition that it is a step-by-step process and always a work in progress. Science is saving our behinds in this pandemic.

Question: Are human beings intelligent?      Answer: I would say clever, but not exactly intelligent. The invention of non-fungible tokens and then the selling of same at astronomical prices makes my case splendidly. We are certainly not nearly as intelligent as we think we are. We are rather primitive and paranoid with our old reptilian and mammalian core brain areas, but with frontal lobes making up stories, telling us all the time that we are the smartest creatures in the room.

Question: Does this apply to you?      Answer: Of course.  

Question: Speaking of different areas of the brain, are you saying life evolved, or was it created?      Answer: Evolved.

Question: How could that happen, given evolution to the point of human consciousness?      Answer: It is a remarkable mystery.

Question: Do astrology and numerology have any validity?      Answer: Only for the bank accounts of Astrologists and Numerologists, as well as providing something enjoyable to read in newspapers.

Question: Are there spirit-beings on other planes of existence that we can communicate with who can help us with our personal problems?      Answer: No. Although it makes sense to invoke, within ourselves, the essences of great dead people as guides and for inspiration.

Question: What about pet psychics? Past-lives-regression therapy?      Answer: Codswallop. Hogwash perpetrated by flim-flam artists and balderdash perpetrated by frauds.

Question: Is psychotherapy helpful and effective?      Answer: Very helpful! In-depth self-reflection with an objective helper: what could be better?

Question: Is meditation good for you?      Answer: Oh very. I do this, in an effort to still the “puppy-dog” mind and to sit for a while with the great mystery.

Question: What about yoga? I read in the New York Times that in support of a twenty-eight-year-old ban on yoga in public schools in Alabama, evangelical Christians argue that yoga causes injuries, psychosis, and Hinduism. Is this true, does it cause these problems?      Answer: I’ll ask my daughter, who is a thirty-year practitioner – she is currently in the broken- bones unit at the Toronto Hindu psychiatric hospital, ha, ha! But seriously folks, all jokes aside, I have always wondered what causes Hinduism, ha, ha! But seriously folks, all–

Question: Okay, we get it! But tell us then, is yoga beneficial in any way?      Answer: Yes, all that pretzel-like bending and mental focus is good for the body, the mind, and the spirit, especially so as one ages. I regularly consider practicing it.

Question: Is Buddhism useful?      Answer: You mean, does it cause you to speak on riddles and kōans and cause mindfulness, har, har? Okay, yes. Some really good ideas. Hilarious stories and good mind-puzzles, too. Big on compassion, and we sorely need that.

Question: I have heard you used to practice Zen Buddhism. What does Zen say about what happens after death?      Answer: It says nothing about life after death, only that you should anticipate dying.

Question: What does happen after death?      Answer: Although we make up all sorts of stories, spooky and otherwise, about it, nobody knows. I believe that it will be silent.

Question: How about reincarnation?      Answer: A dubious proposition. If this were true, given the law of karma, logically there would be a lot fewer human beings in the world than there are currently, and a lot more bugs, bats, and bullfrogs.

Question: Is there an individual soul that survives, then?      Answer: A gratifying idea, but I have my doubts. Decide for yourself.

Question: But, what about the testimonials of near-death experiences, you know, the white light and all?      Answer: Last-minute activity of our oxygen-starved, marvelous, story-telling frontal lobes.

Question: Does God exist?      Answer: That is not something I can say. You will have to decide for yourself. Please don’t consult the Internet on this matter. I’d say go for a walk in nature on a sunny day. Or a rainy day.

Question: What about Jesus?      Answer: Oh, I trust he existed alright: a stupendous person and philosopher, or the Son of God, depending on your belief. Too bad we seldom really understand him, due to Biblical nonsense and the endless prevarication and confabulation of believers.

Question: As an aside, would you say Jesus approves of gay people having sex?      Answer: It is impossible to imagine, given all the real and horrible problems in the world, that Jesus would spend his time worrying about how people play with each other’s private parts. If he did pay any attention at all, I’m sure he would enjoy any and all of the imaginative consensual coupling and frolicking that people indulge in.

Question: Okay, then, back on track: does life have meaning?      Answer: Certainly, and it is our job to create it, as Viktor Frankl says. I admire his take on this. He survived the concentration camp. His wife did not. See Man’s Search for Meaning. But in addition to that, it is as the great Spanish writer, Manuel Vilas, realized: that life “was worth living even if it was just to sit in silence.” [ii]     

Question:  So then, the Hokey-Pokey is not really what it’s all about?      Answer: No, but it is an excellent place to start.

Question: I gather from the previous question that you are an existentialist. So, what do you believe?      Answer: I believe that students should know, after 12 years of extensive schooling at considerable public expense, when and where to use the apostrophe. I think adverbs are useful, and the passive voice is perfectly serviceable in the English language. I also believe that we should go back to the correct use of the verb “to lie,” as in, “I am going to lie down,” as opposed to “I am going to lay down.” Bob Dylan’s song should be Lie, Lady, Lie, not Lay, Lady, Lay. The lady, in whatever state of undress she is in our imaginations, should lie across Bob’s big brass bed.

Question: Given your lack of faith in a religious system that gives you succour; how do you get up in the morning?      Answer: After I wake up, I have a cup of coffee, listen to classical music, read a poem, and then make breakfast.

Question: Okay, thank you. I, and surely the readers, have many more questions we would like to ask. We have inquiries about the Proud Boys, Brexit, whether we will avoid climate catastrophe, and whether or not you are happy. Will you come down from the mountain top again soon to answer these?      Answer: Indeed, yes. How about three days from now?

Question: Great! Thank you! Your cheque is in the mail.      Answer: Okay, good, my Internet service provider payment is due. And you are most welcome. See you Thursday.

[i] Riesman, David, et al. The Lonely Crowd: A Study of the Changing American Character. Doubleday, 1950.

[ii] Vilas, Manuel. Ordesa. Andrea Rosenberg (transl.). Riverhead Books, 2020. Page 57.